You want me to squat where? And our first ever ‘Giveaway’

Picture the scene. We are on holiday in a caravan (white trash). There is a lovely, quiet ambience to the place, and approximately 10 paleo crossfitfeet of space between our caravan and the next. My husband has woken on a beautiful sunny morning and decided that we should
participate in a family WOD. I point out that I am sleeping in a caravan and that my spine has crumbled so acutely during the night that my head is now permanently angled at 48 degrees west. This falls on deaf ears and before I know it there are 4 of us grunting like lunatics in full view of our fellow chavs. Even 5 year old Ollie is giving it some welly.

We are subjected to a workout of squats, sit-ups and press-ups on the minute, every minute, paleo crossfitfrom 5 ascending to 15. Net curtains are twitching and I am wondering why the hell I am not eating a sausage butty (yes, ok, I don’t eat bread) and manning the stop-watch instead of showing my arse to the neighbours in a very ungainly toilet-seat position. Is this what they mean by no pain, no gain?

I did, however, manage to finish ahead of the aforementioned husband, which afforded me the opportunity to take a humiliating photograph of him mid press-up. Nah nah nah nah nah.

Anyway, I have now recovered enough to tell you that o ur friends over at Slimkicker are offering you the chance to win a fabulous heart rate and calorie monitor.

Slimkicker help you to turn your diet and weightloss goals into a game, in which you can set yourself challenges which you’d like to achieve, then ‘level-up’ as you achieve them and win points and rewards. The site reminds you about the reward you are promising yourself when you reach the points required to win it – it’s a great motivator. There are also support groups and a forum on the site, so paleo crossfitcheck it out.

They are seeking your help to come up with fun new ideas for fitness and weight loss challenges, and in return for your contributions and ideas, are offering one person a chance to win this great piece of kit. These might be as simple as giving up dairy for a week, or climbing that damn rope at the CrossFit gym, anything which you think would be a good initiative!

All you need to do is leave a comment on this Post with your idea(s) for new challenges that could be used by Slimkicker to motivate their users toward their goals. 1-2 sentences max please.

We know you love fitness, and care about your diet, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, so have a go. Nothing to lose but a few seconds!

Pass it on using the share buttons.

The winner will be chosen by Slimkicker from all the comments left on this Post in one week’s time. Go ahead, knock yourselves out!

Advertisements

How long is a piece of rope?

Ah yes, too bloody long it seems.

When I was 8 years old I can recall the humiliation of watching each and every one of my then classmates shimmying up the rope in the school gymnasium, whilst I sat firmly on the mat working on the theory (not yet ready for the actual practice) of the forward roll.

crossfit paleoWhen I left junior school I was confident in the knowledge that the future corporate life I had mapped out as a millionaire linguist would have nil requirements for me to ever need to attempt a rope climb again.

After 37 years of evasion, the shitty rope finally came back to kick my ass.

I stood and watched as my pals one by one took to the rafters. Like featherweight monkeys they pushed and pulled their way along. The critical point being that they managed to move in an actual upward direction. She who cannot be named (Julie), who was clearly raised by indigenous Amazonian tribesmen went up it like Tarzan on a bloody vine. If there’d been a bell she’d have sodding well rung it.

I stood feeling increasingly jealous and a tiny bit angry with myself. Come on you silly cow.

My finest attempt saw me actually scissor the rope between my feet, push up and hang on. A bit. The second attempt to scissor didn’t quite go to plan. Like a rat on a greasy ship’s mast I slid, still clinging as if my life depended on it, until I could step neatly on to the mat from which I had just ascended.

Bollocks. Back in the remedial class.

Looks like I have another goal to add to my list.

Mr Sensible Head (…not)

Coming to terms with being 50 and accepting that you have neglected your body for the past 10 years 15 years 20 years is difficult, but is apparently a critical part of reaching 60.

On M0nday I arrived to find Frank and Pete lying next to each other on the floor like two star fish, panting to get their breath back. A small crowd had gathered around them and ‘Eye of the Tiger’ was blasting out over the sound system. Clearly, I had missed something pretty spectacular, and based of the evidence before me, concluded there were three possibilities:

a)  They just finished a wrestling match?

b) They just finished a dance off?

c) They hadn’t been able to deny their lust for each other any longer

I considered a) for a short time and concluded that Pete would have been up for this but Frank wouldn’t, and as Frank can probably run faster than Pete, logically, whilst they would have chased each other for a long time (both wont give up), they would not have finished in the same spot.

So, could it have been a dance off? This was an interesting possibility. I haven’t seen Pete dance, but I have seen Frank dance.  It was possible that Frank was exhausted from trying, and Pete was exhausted from laughing, but I concluded that “Eye of the Tiger” wouldn’t have been the first choice of music, even for Frank

Oh dear, that only left c)… awkward… but hang on, they were still fully clothed… and suspiciously close to the rowing machines. Of course, Sale Sharks! (check this out on YouTube if you don’t know what it is)

I mention this because, having recovered from the possibility of a love match between Frank and Pete, the next next thing I heard was “Bob, why don’t you have a go…?” My response was quick and assured – “No thanks, not yet” A sensible response avoiding pain and probable exhaustion. Sensible head firmly in place

Tuesday I started with my sensible head on again. We were doing overhead squats, which I can’t really do – My squat is still not upright enough, and my arms don’t seem to want to go behind my head, a bad combination with a heavy bar! So sensibly, I decided to work on my form and flexibility. This got a confirming nod from Andy and a “right thing to do” comment. So far so good…

When we got to the WOD however, sensible head fell of and was replace by ego head. The WOD was 10 to 1 rep of overhead press (40kg) interspersed with 20 double under skips which for me = 40 single skips (as I can’t do double unders either!) so, a total of 400 skips. What’s the problem I hear you ask? Simple, my calf’s are big and very very tight so I knew 400 skips was going to be a problem… So, I should have stopped after about 280 when it was starting to hurt… I REALLY should have stopped at 360 when it was really hurting… And I REALLY, REALLY shouldn’t have tried to do the last 40 on one leg (left if you’re interested) … And I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, should have accepted Andy’s kind offer of an ice pack,

But no, instead of doing the sensible thing, I chose the option that means I have now been walking around for 5 days like Douglas Bader, swearing every time I had to climb a flight of stairs (see what I did there?)

Anyway, lesson learnt and sensible head firmly back in place!

The one where I learn that Pull Ups are not just training pants for toddlers

Who knew?

A few weeks after I started CrossFit, I was introduced to the ‘jumping pull up’. The irony of this blog post title now comes neatly in to play. Eight 40year old mothers bouncing up and down repeatedly? Certainly a test for the collective pelvic floor, but that’s a whole other post.

One day our trainer presented me with one of these (awesome, I thought. I’m on the winner’s podium already! Wrong)

crossfit paleo

…and one of these (a giant elastic band).

crossfit paleo

He pointed to the monkey bars and indicated that I was to climb on the box and be strung up from the rafters like a kipper on a bungee rope, then haul myself up and down like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky III.

“You want me to wha…?!”

I soon realised that my body weight and the force of gravity were going to stretch the band WAY further than the length of my arms. This meant that it was going to take either some kind of miracle, or a quick mutation into Mr Tickle to get me back up there. Major fail.

Maybe I should take tips from this guy and play Road Runner cartoons to keep me motivated…?

 

And so a new goal was formed. One perfectly formed, unassisted pull-up is all I want. No elastic band humiliation, no unbeatable gravitational pull, just me, my muscles and a puff of chalk dust. Watch this space…..

pullup crossfit paleo

Oh yeah, we can all just HANG there, people

The Great Burpee…

From the moment I started Crossfit, one exercise has been a clear favourite – the Burpee. Sometimes something just feels so natural that your body just seems to fall effortlessly into its metronomic rhythm. And so it is for me with the burpee…

Adding 50 of these babies to any workout will make sure it’s a real crowd pleaser, and I for one like to use them as a great way to cool down. In fact, so committed am I to the potential life extending benefits of this exercise that I have decided to share some top tips.

One: as with any fast movement, make sure you don’t have anything loose flapping around. Personally I like to make sure my belly is well strapped in – went down too quickly once and winded myself really bad…

Two: this isn’t strictly in the book, but I find it a great way to get into the prone position is to drop to your knees first, then finish the move with some sort of grunt to make sure you release all/any air you have managed to get into your lungs. I find shouting “Bollocks” really works, but “Shit”, “Christ” or “Help” will probably do the job just as well.

Three: once in the prone position, take a few moments to admire the floor and the relative comfort it affords before you attempt to do battle with gravity and pull your legs in the general direction of your head. I find counting to 10 at this point helps to maintain an appropriate pace, or alternatively, wait for one of the instructors to shout at you in their usual encouraging way, telling you to keep going in case you had forgotten (?)

Four: As your legs finally get into something approaching a squat position, or what I fondly refer to as the ‘Froggy’, make sure you control any urge to let rip with your rear end (I think we all know what I am saying)

Five: The jump. Easy to go too high on this and waste time which isn’t going to get you on the leader board, so just high enough to get a piece of paper under your feet. If you haven’t got a piece of paper to hand, ask a friend to shout when you’re high enough, and then stop going up

Six: Finally, whilst you try to steady yourself for the next rep and take in some much needed oxygen, look down and admire the sweaty silhouette you will have left if you followed step three properly and ask you self this – is it getting smaller? No, then get your lazy arse down for another one and stop complaining!

Sporting attire for beginners

What NOT to wear for a CrossFit workout ‘ 101.’

This. Not yet, Dear. We’ll unleash the big guns when we can see our own feet.

paleo crossfit

This. Exactly WHEN was the last time you went to the gym?

paleo crossfit

This. Excuse me? We play Motorhead in the background here, not Barry Manilow.

paleo crossfit

This. Uh, I don’t think she’s here for the Boxing….

paleo crossfit

This. Snotty bitch from expensive private gym who thought she’d try CrossFit and show all those mummies how uber fit she was. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. Style over substance, beeatch.

paleo crossfit

This. If you don’t have any friends in real life, you certainly won’t win any here wearing THAT.

crossfit paleo

This. Sorry, no. We do callouses, not manicures.

paleo crossfit

This.  Totally rocking it.

paleo crossfit

What do you wear? *smiley face*

Can you really kid a kid?

The first time I read a Paleo cook book I laughed out loud. It promised me that my kids wouldn’t notice that the bread bun was missing from their burger, or that some kind of 21st century equivalent of the Hamburglar had replaced it with portobello mushrooms. Ooohh Kaaay.

paleoI decided to give the sprogs the benefit of the doubt.
We tried….

Cauliflower rice…

Me: “It’s just the same as normal rice, really!”
My kids: “It tastes like cauliflower. I hate cauliflower”

Tortilla substituted ham roll ups…
Me: “These are great, just like a wrap sandwich”
My kids: “Nah”

Meatloaf…it’s like burgers but in a big loaf. Nope.paleo

Paleo cookies. Nada.

Lasagne – without the lasagne.

“Eeeyeeeuuwww. The pasta is greeeeeen! I’m not eating that filth.”

Pecan crusted chicken breast.

Me: “It’s breadcrumbs. Just like KFC, for God’s sake!”

Kids:” Bleeuuurrrghhhh”

Almond butter in celery called bugs in boats…….Now you ‘re just taking the piss.

Never believe anyone who is trying to sell a frigging cook book. They clearly have no kids.