The one where I am hurting (again)



paleoI have a problem. I have had this problem since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. I appear to have an infallible ability to hurt myself, like ALL the time.

Yesterday my 5 year old son actually managed to cause himself enough pain to emit blood-curdling screams. When I rushed to investigate which large household object had decapitated him, I discovered that he was sitting on the sofa in front of the TV, crying. Yes. He had actually managed to cause himself an injury whilst sitting absolutely still on a couch. It is clearly genetic.

I will gloss over the fact that my arms and legs generally resemble those of a dalmation most of the time, due to my incredible ability to bruise just by thinking about it; the ever-present black blotches are such a given that they’re hardly worth a mention. Although I did just mention them.

I will also leave out the injuries which I have incurred outside of the fitness arena. These are simply too numerous and embarrassing to catalogue, although the day I fell off a ladder last year was a real doozy, and the childrens’crossfit paleo playground incident had them rolling in the aisles.

I will, however, draw attention to the list of not-quite fatal, but sodding painful injuries which the boys at CrossfitHG3 have malevolently inflicted upon my ageing body. Let me see, where shall we start? *clears throat*

1. Large bulbous swelling and gi-fucking-gantic bruise to right inner knee, incurred on first ever day at Crossfit, as a result of poorly judged box jump. Result – 6 weeks of swelling and an inherent fear of large black boxes for the rest of my life.

2. Severe foot injury, already outlined herein – exacerbated by drill-sergeant’s requirement for me to master the ‘double under’ skip. Result – skipping &  running smart like hell and possibly requiring surgery in future.

3. Spinal distress. Pain in my lower back like a small indiginous back-dweller is living inside me sharpening his machete on my spinal chord. Burpee crouches hurt like buggery. Deadlifts? Well, you do the maths. Result – girly lightweight who winces. A lot.

4. Large flap of skin separated from my right shin as a result of a poorly judged box jump. Yes, there may be a pattern emerging there. Result -pathological fear of boxes moved to another level.

5. Wrist sprain. Sustained in the aforementioned ‘playground’ incident.  Result – limiting for burpees, handstands and press-ups.

I am thinking of keeping a journal of all incidents, ranging from the minor to the downright hilarious, although I fear that this would render me somewhat Rain Man-ish in nature. I do not have time to count frigging toothpicks. So, I’ll leave it at this:- I am a bona fide Klutz. Bungling, inept and accident prone. I am unable to participate in deadlifts, running, skipping, box jumps, handstands, burpees or press-ups, but I haven’t missed more than one or two sessions of Crossfit for almost 10 months, and I’m still standing. Just standing. And mainly watching. 🙂



Confession time…

In April I started ‘eating clean’  (such a wonderful phrase that suggests I used to eat dirt!). By that I mean I started eating a Paleo Diet. No Bread, Rice, Sugar etc, and it has been going pretty well having manged to shed more than two stone so far, but about 2 weeks ago it all seemed to have gone a bit pear-shaped!

I tend to weigh myself far too often, curious about how much my weight fluctuates during a week/day… Did you know for example that I lose an average of 3lb overnight? I must be a very restless sleeper cos I’m sure I dont lose that much during an average WOD!.

Anyway, I have been losing typically 1lb a week fairly consistently and was very happy with that as eventually I will get to where I want to be, and I am clearly putting on muscle from my Cross fit sessions. However, about 2 weeks ago, I suddenly put on 4lb! WTF I thought, how the shitting hell has that happened? Who the fuck has spiked my food? Four weeks effort down the tubes!

I was to say the least slightly apoplectic (always wanted to use that word) and ready to throw in the towel. May be I just needed a big poo? I really couldn’t understand what had gone wrong or what had changed – at least that was my story at the time …

I can now confess that I knew exactly what had gone wrong. In a single week I had fallen off the Paleo track twice.

The first time was staying in a hotel in Bromley. I was eating in my room and ordered steak and salad and was very clear that I didn’t want chips – It duly arrived without chips, but with a fucking huge bread roll!

There was no mention of the roll in the description so maybe the chef had thought he was doing me a favour, or was secretly trying to de-rail my Paleo efforts. Whatever, I wasn’t tempted. I ate the steak and salad, and left the role on the tray where it stayed, just in the corner of my eye…

I should have put it outside the room but I didn’t.

Over the next two hours it stared at me. I’m sure at one point it spoke to me.

“eat me, you know you want to”

“I don’t” (yes, I am now talking to a bread roll)

“Eat me, no one will know”

“I don’t want to eat you”

“Is it because you can’t”

“No, I just don’t want to eat you”

“Are you scared of what might happen”

“No, of course not… but I am curious…”

The rest is a blur, but I was suddenly surrounded by crumbs and empty butter wrappers with a butter stained knife in my hands. ” Oh shit, WTF have I done?”

Of course, all I had done was eaten a (very large) bread roll, but I was expecting my stomach to expand uncontrollably and then explode, rather like the scene from Alien. It didn’t, although I did feel uncomfortable and burp a lot (and I mean a lot) probably more to do with the speed at which I had consumed the offending roll, rather than its effect on my stomach.

This event was swiftly followed by another conversation two days later, but this time with a large sausage roll meant for George after he had finished playing Rugby (there were two, so he didn’t go without). Similar outcome, but this time sat in my car surrounded by pastry crumbs…

The net result of these two events? – I assume the inflammation we read so much about from gluten and the additional weight gain. Proof or coincidence I don’t know, but me and gluten are now no longer speaking to each other!