Unclean

paleoCake.

I ate cake.

Ten little minutes of slippage in an otherwise unblemished 8 months of primal eating would surely slide by unnoticed?

I thought it would be ok, after all I’ve not eaten a slice of legit, sugar-crammed cake since March. How wrong can a girl be?

For no less than 4-5 days I suffered from swelling and cramps in the abdomen. My belly bloated a good 3 inches. I thought I might pop and drift away with the breeze, accompanied by a farty noise.

So here’s the moral of my story….once Paleo, forever Paleo. It just hurts too darned much to go back, even for ten little minutes.

Let that be a lesson to you me.

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Confession time…

In April I started ‘eating clean’  (such a wonderful phrase that suggests I used to eat dirt!). By that I mean I started eating a Paleo Diet. No Bread, Rice, Sugar etc, and it has been going pretty well having manged to shed more than two stone so far, but about 2 weeks ago it all seemed to have gone a bit pear-shaped!

I tend to weigh myself far too often, curious about how much my weight fluctuates during a week/day… Did you know for example that I lose an average of 3lb overnight? I must be a very restless sleeper cos I’m sure I dont lose that much during an average WOD!.

Anyway, I have been losing typically 1lb a week fairly consistently and was very happy with that as eventually I will get to where I want to be, and I am clearly putting on muscle from my Cross fit sessions. However, about 2 weeks ago, I suddenly put on 4lb! WTF I thought, how the shitting hell has that happened? Who the fuck has spiked my food? Four weeks effort down the tubes!

I was to say the least slightly apoplectic (always wanted to use that word) and ready to throw in the towel. May be I just needed a big poo? I really couldn’t understand what had gone wrong or what had changed – at least that was my story at the time …

I can now confess that I knew exactly what had gone wrong. In a single week I had fallen off the Paleo track twice.

The first time was staying in a hotel in Bromley. I was eating in my room and ordered steak and salad and was very clear that I didn’t want chips – It duly arrived without chips, but with a fucking huge bread roll!

There was no mention of the roll in the description so maybe the chef had thought he was doing me a favour, or was secretly trying to de-rail my Paleo efforts. Whatever, I wasn’t tempted. I ate the steak and salad, and left the role on the tray where it stayed, just in the corner of my eye…

I should have put it outside the room but I didn’t.

Over the next two hours it stared at me. I’m sure at one point it spoke to me.

“eat me, you know you want to”

“I don’t” (yes, I am now talking to a bread roll)

“Eat me, no one will know”

“I don’t want to eat you”

“Is it because you can’t”

“No, I just don’t want to eat you”

“Are you scared of what might happen”

“No, of course not… but I am curious…”

The rest is a blur, but I was suddenly surrounded by crumbs and empty butter wrappers with a butter stained knife in my hands. ” Oh shit, WTF have I done?”

Of course, all I had done was eaten a (very large) bread roll, but I was expecting my stomach to expand uncontrollably and then explode, rather like the scene from Alien. It didn’t, although I did feel uncomfortable and burp a lot (and I mean a lot) probably more to do with the speed at which I had consumed the offending roll, rather than its effect on my stomach.

This event was swiftly followed by another conversation two days later, but this time with a large sausage roll meant for George after he had finished playing Rugby (there were two, so he didn’t go without). Similar outcome, but this time sat in my car surrounded by pastry crumbs…

The net result of these two events? – I assume the inflammation we read so much about from gluten and the additional weight gain. Proof or coincidence I don’t know, but me and gluten are now no longer speaking to each other!

Can you really kid a kid?

The first time I read a Paleo cook book I laughed out loud. It promised me that my kids wouldn’t notice that the bread bun was missing from their burger, or that some kind of 21st century equivalent of the Hamburglar had replaced it with portobello mushrooms. Ooohh Kaaay.

paleoI decided to give the sprogs the benefit of the doubt.
We tried….

Cauliflower rice…

Me: “It’s just the same as normal rice, really!”
My kids: “It tastes like cauliflower. I hate cauliflower”

Tortilla substituted ham roll ups…
Me: “These are great, just like a wrap sandwich”
My kids: “Nah”

Meatloaf…it’s like burgers but in a big loaf. Nope.paleo

Paleo cookies. Nada.

Lasagne – without the lasagne.

“Eeeyeeeuuwww. The pasta is greeeeeen! I’m not eating that filth.”

Pecan crusted chicken breast.

Me: “It’s breadcrumbs. Just like KFC, for God’s sake!”

Kids:” Bleeuuurrrghhhh”

Almond butter in celery called bugs in boats…….Now you ‘re just taking the piss.

Never believe anyone who is trying to sell a frigging cook book. They clearly have no kids.